The Fourth Wedding

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day ...
and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?'
The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'
'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking in to our hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon, that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'
'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk. 'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for seven years, he just sat on the edge of bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'

Big Pharma, the FDA, and You

Born To Be Wild

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-walt-babyboomers-blurb,0,1036393.blurb

The Doctor's Office

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us?have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir? '

I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

The Dentist

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot. 'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.
'I can't do t he gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!'
The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The Dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
'It doesn't', said the Dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.'

Losing his Marbles

Think Like a Woman

Man of the House

Living Life Backwards

I want to live my next life backwards :

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Catholic Girls Worst Nightmare

Spanish for your Nanny

A Perspective

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next.'

I hope this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death

How Men Screw Up Romance

Famer's Daughter

Best Airline Commercial

Beer Dogs

Zombies and Democrats

Lyrics from the 50's, 60's and 70's for Baby Boomers

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash .

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harum--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And everyone's favorite: Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again

"Why Most Men Are Republicans"....

My Daddy Is A Dancer

One day the teacher asked the children what their
fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up: Fireman, Salesman,
Doctor, Lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically
quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his
father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a
gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of
other men and they put money in his underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go
home with some guy and stay with him all night

for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement,
hurriedly set the other children to work on some math
problems and then took little Justin aside to ask him,

"Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic
National Committee and is helping to get Hillary
Clinton elected as our next President, but I was too
embarrassed to say that

UCLA Study of Faces

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

The Talking Parrot

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled
a stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you"!

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

The Three Strings

With What We Have Left Three Strings

On Nov. 18, 1995, Itzhak Perlman, the violinist, came on stage to give a concert at Avery Fisher Hall at Lincoln Center in New York City.

If you have ever been to a Perlman concert, you know that getting on stage is no small achievement for him. He was stricken with polio as a child, and so he has braces on both legs and walks with the aid of two crutches. To see him walk across the stage one-step at a time, painfully and slowly, is an awesome sight.

He walks painfully, yet majestically, until he reaches his chair. Then he sits down, slowly, puts his crutches on the floor, undoes the clasps on his legs, tucks one foot back and extends the other foot forward. Then he bends down and picks up the violin, puts it under his chin, nods to the conductor and proceeds to play.

By now, the audience is used to this ritual. They sit quietly while he makes his way across the stage to his chair. They remain reverently silent while he undoes the clasps on his legs. They wait until he is ready to play.

But this time, something went wrong. Just as he finished the first few bars, one of the strings on his violin broke. You could hear it snap - it went off like gunfire across the room. There was no mistaking what that sound meant. There was no mistaking what he had to do. We figured that he would have to get up, put on the clasps again, pick up the crutches, and limp his way off stage - to either find another violin or else find another string for this one. However, he did not. Instead, he waited a moment, closed his eyes, and then signaled the conductor to begin again.

The orchestra began, and he played from where he had left off. In addition, he played with such passion and such power and such purity, as they had never heard before.

Of course, anyone knows that it is impossible to play a symphonic work with just three strings. I know that, and you know that, but that night Itzhak Perlman refused to know that.

You could see him modulating, changing, re-composing the piece in his head. At one point, it sounded like he was de-tuning the strings to get new sounds from them that they had never made before.

When he finished, there was an awesome silence in the room. Then people rose and cheered. There was an extraordinary outburst of applause from every corner of the auditorium. We were all on our feet, screaming, and cheering, doing everything we could to show how much we appreciated what he had done.

He smiled, wiped the sweat from this brow, raised his bow to quiet us, and then he said - not boastfully, but in a quiet, pensive, reverent tone - "You know, sometimes it is the artist's task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left."

What a powerful line that is. It has stayed in my mind ever since I heard it, and who knows? Perhaps that is the definition of life - not just for artists but also for all of us.

Here is a man who has prepared all his life to make music on a violin of four strings, who, all of a sudden, in the middle of a concert, finds himself with only three strings; so he makes music with three strings, and the music he made that night with just three strings was more beautiful, more sacred, more memorable, than any that he had ever made before, when he had four strings.

So, perhaps our task in this shaky, fast-changing, bewildering world in which we live is to make music, at first with all that we have, and then, when that is no longer possible, to make music with what we have left.

~Author Unknown~

Boomers

Baby Boomers

Zen sarcasm

Be who you are and say what you feel...
because those that matter... don't mind...
and those that mind... don't matter.'

Zen sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk
beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell
alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to
steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

(my version is the darkest hour is just before it turns pitch black)

4. I am nobody, and nobody is perfect: therefore I am
perfect

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you
can't be promoted.

6. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone
else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

(or as a Friend Ellis Lattimore said. You ought to check the

water in the pool before you dive in)

8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing
a couple of car payments.

9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a
mile away and you have their shoes.

10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him
how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person
again, it was probably worth it.

13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
anything.

14. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the
windshield.

15. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

16. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in
half and put it back in your pocket.

17. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

18. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and
a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

19. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither
one works.

20. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when
your lips are moving.

21. Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.

22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

23. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night

24. You too can grab defeat from the jaws of victory.

25. Behind every silver lining is a big black cloud

Dubai