The Fourth Wedding

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day ...
and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?'
The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'
'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking in to our hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon, that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'
'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk. 'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for seven years, he just sat on the edge of bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'

Big Pharma, the FDA, and You

Born To Be Wild

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-walt-babyboomers-blurb,0,1036393.blurb

The Doctor's Office

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us?have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir? '

I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

The Dentist

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot. 'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.
'I can't do t he gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!'
The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The Dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
'It doesn't', said the Dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.'

Losing his Marbles

Think Like a Woman

Man of the House

Living Life Backwards

I want to live my next life backwards :

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Catholic Girls Worst Nightmare

Spanish for your Nanny

A Perspective

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next.'

I hope this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death

How Men Screw Up Romance

Famer's Daughter

Best Airline Commercial

Beer Dogs

Zombies and Democrats

Lyrics from the 50's, 60's and 70's for Baby Boomers

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash .

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harum--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And everyone's favorite: Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again

"Why Most Men Are Republicans"....

My Daddy Is A Dancer

One day the teacher asked the children what their
fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up: Fireman, Salesman,
Doctor, Lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically
quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his
father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a
gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of
other men and they put money in his underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go
home with some guy and stay with him all night

for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement,
hurriedly set the other children to work on some math
problems and then took little Justin aside to ask him,

"Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic
National Committee and is helping to get Hillary
Clinton elected as our next President, but I was too
embarrassed to say that